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Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies: On Myths, Morons, Free Speech, Football, and Assorted Absurdities, by Chris Kluwe
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Hi. In your hands, right now, you hold the culmination of thousands of years of human intelligence, ingenuity, and brilliance. Now put your goddamn phone down and pay attention to my book.
What is in my book, you ask? (I'm really glad you asked, by the way, because now I get to tell you.)
Time travel. Gay marriage. Sportsballing. Futuristic goggles that DO NOTHING.
Tiny brags from my publisher, stuff like: "This is an uproarious, uncensored take on empathy, personal responsibility, and what it means to be human."
Excessive brags about myself: "An extraordinarily clever, punishingly funny, sharp-tongued blogosphere star, NFL player, husband and father, one-time violin prodigy, voracious lifetime reader, obsessive gamer, and fearless champion of personal freedom."
Oh, and also an essay on the Pope's Twitter account. Honestly, if that doesn't draw you in, there's no hope left for humanity. I also give my own funeral eulogy, in case you were hoping I'd go away and die now!
So please, join me in the glorious art of windmill tilting by reading this "collection of rousing, uncensored personal essays, letters, and stories" (I have no idea why that's in quotes).
Join the herd of Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies.
(You know you want to.)
- Sales Rank: #354325 in Books
- Published on: 2013-06-25
- Released on: 2013-06-25
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.50" h x 1.13" w x 6.25" l, 1.06 pounds
- Binding: Hardcover
- 272 pages
Review
"The most interesting man in the N.F.L." -- The New York Times
"The quirky and sometimes pugnacious ex-punter for the Vikings reveals a little more about his views on social issues, and a lot more about himself, his career and how his frenetic and far-ranging mind works....Kluwe proves himself to be, indeed, a man for all season--not just football season." -- The Minneapolis Star Tribune
"In a league (and sports climate) which has become one, long, repetitive sound bite, a guy who will actually say something meaningful." -- BleacherReport.com
"Chris Kluwe is a glimmering sparklepony of candor (and not afraid to dive fearlessly into the marriage equality debate)." -- Mother Jones
"It's a strongly worded, profanity laced political and philosophical manifesto from an unlikely new pundit: pro football player Chris Kluwe ... Mr. Kluwe's particular talent as a prose stylist lies in his creative use of inventive swear words." -- The Wall Street Journal's "Speakeasy"
"Kluwe is a genuine iconoclast.... Kluwe's writing makes for an entertaining read. He's as adept at the art of the take-down... but he is capable of toning it down when he has to.... His words present compelling arguments on myriad deep and unsolvable, yet relentlessly fascinating problems." -- The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
"Intelligent and thought-provoking, Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies is relentlessly honest; Kluwe pulls no punches, spares no language and writes a rip-roaring debut." -- Shelf Awareness
"A lively collection. In mixing the profane with the prophetic while using a variety of literary devices, the author succeeds at being both entertaining and enlightening. An intriguing assortment of work from an athlete with a lot on his mind." -- Kirkus
"Kluwe is a brainy loudmouth dyspeptic idealistic pessimistic utopian punter/gay rights activist/champion of free speech/family guy who plays guitar. He's sort of Charles Barkley meets Bill "Spaceman" Lee--but with more gravitas." -- ESPN.com
"Kluwe's combination of passion and intelligent self-deprecation has resulted in some must-read stuff....Kluwe is a talented writer with plenty to say. He just happens to kick footballs for a living." -- The Maine Edge
"Chris Kluwe writes much better than I can punt." John Scalzi, award-winning author of Old Man's War and Redshirts
About the Author
Chris Kluwe grew up in Southern California among a colony of wild chinchillas and didn't learn how to communicate outside of barking and howling until he was fourteen years old. He has played football in the NFL, once wrestled a bear for a pot of gold, and lies occasionally. He is also the eternal disappointment of his mother, who just can't understand why he hasn't cured cancer yet. Do you know why these bio things are in third person? I have no idea. Please tell me if you figure it out.
Most helpful customer reviews
108 of 119 people found the following review helpful.
Sparkles brighter than most
By NorthShore
I have to admit, I was skeptical. I loved following Chris' boisterous antics and "free-speech-athon" over the last few years, especially as he became one of the few advocates of marriage equality in ACTIVE professional sports - but in the back of my mind I wondered whether he could coherently bring together that sense of brash honesty in something longer than a blog entry.
He brought it. Spectacularly. His book, Beautifully Unique Sparkleponies: On Myths, Morons, Free Speech, Football, and Assorted Absurdities (of which he covers ALL of that and more) is a joy to read. Amazon delivered this book today and I chewed thru it like a lineman at a bar-b-que. So eager was I to finish the book that, to its credit, I did not give it the amount of thought and attention it deserves. That will come upon my second reading.
Kluwe is both vicious in his take down of a multitude of issues and, surprisingly, sympathetic. Who else could both EVISCERATE a fellow player's "SEE SPOT RUN" mentality and compliment him on the observation that he can 'write pretty well'?
The shame (if there is any to be had) is that the very people who SHOULD read this book probably won't go near it. Those are the same "morons" that Kluwe alludes to in the title and then summarily chews up and spits out thru-out the book in unabashed logic. The same ones (are you reading this Archbishop Nienstedt?) that feel that their unabiding and limitless faith can not seem to encompass the very tenants upon which they are based (compassion and love), let alone a universe in which science, biology, and human instinct hold true.
If SparklePonies in anyway sends a message, its that Chris Kluwe and his opinions are not going away anytime soon, nor are mine, nor are yours and that the best love letter you can send to humanity is one that is true, compassionate, and cuts thru the B.S. like a laser.
48 of 55 people found the following review helpful.
Rhetorical Tour de Force
By Jason
While Chris's social media antics are hilarious and well written I wondered if he could pull off an entire book. Boy does he ever! His beliefs in social justice are on full display as he rips apart the sad arguements for denying people their rights. As a former professor of rhetoric I loved when he pulled apart an argument by pointing out the fallacies, the same fallacies I tried so hard to make sure my students avoided. Sure there is plenty of foul language, but it serves a well constructed purpose and is not inserted just for the heck of it.
I heartily recommend this book to anyone that wants to understand what is wrong with the United States. If I was still teaching this book would be required reading for my class.
37 of 44 people found the following review helpful.
Savage Wit in More than 140 Characters
By K. Kramer
I am a Packers fan who decided one day to follow a Minnesota Viking on Twitter because Chris Kluwe told ESPN talking head and professional troll Skip Bayless on Twitter to “French kiss a flamethrower” when Bayless had the Montezuma’s Revenge of verbal diarrhea one day on First Take. This was well before that infamous, profane letter directed towards a Maryland state lawmaker posted on Deadspin that started all of this.
If you’re thinking that I’m betraying Packer fandom by following a player who was a division rival on Twitter, first of all, you don’t know me, and second of all, when the only item in the negative column is “he plays for the Minnesota Vikings”, it’s easy to overlook that part when the items in the positive column are numerous. Third, he is one of the few athletes on Twitter who say things other than “rise and grind” or other quasi-inspirational tropes meant to inspire the masses (but just inspires nausea and/or the urge to facepalm repeatedly in me). Plus I only had to pretend I disliked him for a total of 9 hours last season whenever my Packers played the Vikings. And now I don’t even have to do that because he’s now an Oakland Raider.
What does this have to do with a book review? Probably nothing other than it should be known for the record that Chris Kluwe has a lot of Packer fans who follow him on Twitter and a good number of them will probably read his book, like I did.
Being a Twitter follower of his stoked my interest in reading this book when I heard it was coming out. I’m familiar with Kluwe’s sense of humor, his blunt honesty, his inventive use of profanity and zero-tolerance for bull excrement. Plus he’s a nerd and I have an affinity for nerds. I’m married to a nerd. I appreciate a good Strong Bad reference on Twitter or the live-tweeting of the SyFy Channel’s original movies like “Megawalrusopus vs. Slothatee” starring that one girl from the 1980s show You Can’t Do That On Television. Not that one. The other one.
I enjoyed this book a lot. It’s humorous, biting at times, and also thought-provoking (except those who need their thoughts provoked the most won’t read it or if they do read it, won't get it.). I wouldn't expect anything less and Kluwe delivered. I discovered, much to my surprise, that he and I think alike and I’m not sure if this is a good thing or if I should be worried that maybe I, too, was raised by wild chinchillas. Although if I actually were raised by wild chinchillas, it would explain a lot.
If you like intelligent, funny and thought-provoking material, you’ll like this book.
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